David Calder Hardy's Cosmology
David Calder Hardy's Cosmology
Do cats really have nine lives?
There is a fat cat they call Nelly
Who never wastes time watching tele
She once had a job
as spy for 'the Mob'
And years before that for Ned Kelly
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This is so sad
An ardent young greeny named Maude
Life's essentials, she couldn't afford
In her suicide note
She quite clearly wrote
Just please recycle the cord
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I'm an only child and here's why
There was a young lady called Gwen
Who wrote with her old fountain pen
"I thought that maternity
Would last for eternity
And I'll never do it again"!
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Sorry! It's the Rolls Dad
There was a young lass of Ipswitch
Wasn't sure which pedal was which
The unfortunate lass
Slammed her foot on the gas
And ended her drive in the ditch
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Getting Old-er
Now shopping should not be a chore
But this bag should hold a lot more
So what I regret
Is when I forget
The list I made for the store.
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Dig this
There was a fine gardener called Jean
Whose husband considered her mean
She ate all she grew
I know that that’s true
And left him with less than one bean
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Yes, she's real
Everyone at the pool adores Dabbie
More loved than a nun in an abbey
She's helpful and wise
Makes rolls and mince pies
And soothes everyone when they're crabby.
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There was a sad fellow called Phil
Who stood on a high window-sill
Oh dear, said his wife
If you're ending your life
Please tell me that you've made a will
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There was a young poet called Swann
Whom critics would oft put upon
He said it was then
With a stroke of his pen
His cygneture changed to 'Anon
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There was a young lass from Nantucket
Sold eels and fat shrimps from a bucket
One grumpy old man
Said ‘Lady you can
Just pick up your bucket ---- and chuck it’
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There was a young lady of Kew
Who painted her nipples bright blue
When she went to bed
Her husband saw red
Her nightie you see was see-through
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A fisherman fellow in Paignton
Believed he was haunted by Satan
He once made a wish
And caught lots of fish
On hooks without any bait on
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There was a young hunter called Clare
Who chased a great grizzly bear
But sad was her fate
‘cause it was his mate
That ate all of Clare then and there.
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News - Highschool graduates have boob jobs . Breast enlargements- but:-
There was a young lady called Parton
Whose beauty had something to start on
No packin or stuffin'
No stitchin' no nothin'
They just grew together with no sign of partin'
I've often wondered why they don't use a bladder instead of that horrible wobbly silicon jelly stuff that they insert under the boobs.- Yuk!!!!
A bust is a bust across every nation
In some though, enlargements could cause a sensation
But with bike-pump and air
For the admiring stare
One inflates them to suite each occassion
I suppose that here is an instance where flat tery may be a problem But I have just heared of this young lady who really wants to stand out in a crowd:-
There is a young lass of Stalag
Who drives in her trendy red Jag
She has a small tube
Attached to each boob
And bike-pump that's in her handbag
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I don't class this as a limerick, but, if you'll forgive me for that and the intentional pun, the message here is what is important.
Six billion a month is the cost of the war
With Iraq, - just money that floods out the door
That burden to taxpayers is heavy.
New Orleans has the need of that levee
To detour the floods from their door
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Bad Abbots
There once was a thieving old abbot
Who saw a fine gown and did grab it
But Mother Superior
Said you’ve no career ’ere
Unless you get out of that habit.
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Gane
A seafaring family called Gane
Gave birth to their sons on the main
One married a banker
Who tripped on the anchor
And ruined a link in the chain
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New Zealand Bittern
Hark to the boom of the bittern
Who acts like one that is smitten
It’s said that it will
Stay perfectly still
And much prefers standin' to sittin'
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There was a young farmer of Parma
Who caught a wild llama to calm her
The noose was no use
On his lasoo too loose
So instead got his marma to charm her
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Certified
There was a young lady called Jane
Considered an absolute pain
In Paris one night
She swam with delight
And ended her frollic in-seine.
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Warning! - He who Laughs Last
You can laugh you can cry and just snigger
At folk without a great figure
Maybe that's OK as a teen
When you haven't a lot in between
But later, back and front, you too could get bigger.
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The Plumber's Daughter
There was a fourth former called Jane
At school was a terrible pain
She put some old rags
In used plastic bags
And stuffed up the dormitory drain
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Hermit
There was an old hermit who peeled
Off his shirt and his pants in a field
He changed all his rags
For polythene bags
And so was hermit-ically sealed
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Kezia
There was a young lady called Kezia
Enjoying the smell of a freesia
A wind came and went
Deflecting the scent
Not making her sniffing much easier
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Briallen
There was a young lass called Briallen
Who asked why a hawk had a talon
Why a dog has a paw
Why a room has a door
And petrol was sold by the gallon
Her parents were quick to reply
To answer each question we'll try
The hawk makes a snatch
With talons to catch
Its prey on the wing in the sky
A dog has four paws attached with long claws
Sharp teeth and very strong jaws
Whereas you have feet
To walk down the street
A dog does the same on his paws
Your other two queries can wait
We like all your questions, they're great
But answers must keep
For Briallen's asleep
So let's go to bed 'cause it's late
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Messy Tor
A holiday maker at Tor
Was shocked at the mess that he saw
Where dogs on the street
Indiscreetly excrete
And tourists drop trash on the shore
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Joel
There was a young fellow called Joel
Who climbed to the top of a pole
He said I can see
The top of that tree
As if it were right down a hole
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Limerick
This limerick just couldn't be worse
It makes me quite terse and I curse
For what rhymes with lilts?
There's wilts and there's kilts
What else, then, will make it a-verse?
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Norridge
There was an old farmer of Norridge
Who ate fish and chips with his porridge
He ate steak and jam
With slices of ham
And went with his cattle to forage
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A botanist fellow of Lyme
Whose passion for herbs led to crime
Once stole a rare sage
Of extraordinary age
And spent twenty years doing thyme
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Silly Billy
Said a young country lady called Lilly
When I purchased that goat I was silly
But leave it to me
It won't be for tea
When I say that I'm boiling the billy
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I had a strange girlfriend at Lewe
Who painted herself red white and blue
Her patriotic anatomy
She'd coloured to flatter me
But I said 'That's vinyl' and blew
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Sail Rip-off
There was a young yachty named Smale
Whose canvas was ripped in a gale
He had stitched to his wroth
Many yards of weak cloth
A chandler had offered for sale
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There was a young lady called Lynley
Who hired a young artist called Findlay
Her likness was fine
The paint flowed like wine
But covered her torso quite thinly
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There was a young gardener called Kezia
Who planted a whole bed of frezia
Briallen stepped in
With seeds to put in
Calling, ‘Kezia I’ve just planted peas ‘ere’.
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There was a young doctor called Mayne
Whose patients complained of a pain
In their neck and their heart
But no other part
So thought he was going insane.
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I've never been this lucky
There was a young hobo called Flash
Who borrowed a great lot of cash
He put on a bet
And got out of debt
And greeted the world with panache
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There was a young lady called Pat
Who had an adoring old cat
Her Mum got a bug
When it pood on the rug
And Pat was hauled over the mat
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Genesis Continuous
By David Hardy
1 There was a young man of Totnes
Who went for a trip to Loch Ness
When enquired of the monster
They said 'It is gone Sir'
'Where to is anyone's guess'
2 But persistent was he from Totnes
He walked 'round the lock calling 'Ness'
And then it appeared
With bagpipes and beared
And kilt and a sporan, no less.
3 The observant young man of Totnes
Thought some of the monster a mess
He said, ‘now your kilt
Is an old throw-out quilt
Too small to fit round I would guess”
4 The monster quite sadly said ‘yes
Since my heyday I’ve had to take less
Making do with inflation
And state of the nation
Has caused me a great deal of stress’
5 So sad and concerned was the man from Totnes
He gathered great bundles of cress
‘Though how meagre your means
You must eat your greens
And I will attend to the state of your dress’.
6 He hurried away to his home in Totnes
Then talked to the mayor Robert Jes
The young man was dazed
By the money they raised
In the interests of ancient Loch Ness
7 The news very soon reached the press
Who sent out a clear S O S
With patterns illustrated
Folk sewed and created
To fill up wardrobes at the Totnes address
8 Containers where packed in great eagerness
And hauled all the way to Lock Ness
The wardrobes and stock
Where placed near the lock
Where Ness could appear to re-dress
9 By evening no garments had gone
Some people just thought it a con
They all crept away
But looked out next day
On a scene where the sun brightly shone
10 The garments were neatly arrayed
On hillside and headland in sunshine and shade
Where Ness could declare
What she’d love to wear
All dressed for her daily parade
11 The man from Totnes then stood on the pier
And everyone let out a cheer
He called out to Ness
Who appeared in clan dress
The message was now very clear
12 She’d appeared for the people for hundreds of years
And all she’d received were insults and jeers
No care or attention
And hardly a mention
All alone she’d shed many tears
13 The kindness of those in Totnes
Overwhelmed the great lass of Lock Ness
No longer a monster
That name had now gone sir
Replaced with quite simply, NESS
14 She laughed and she cried with delight
But suddenly went very white
Amid tears and deep sighs
She just closed her eyes
And slid to the depths out of sight
15 The man from Totnes dived into the lock
Whilst those standing ‘round were in shock
But all that arose
Were some of the clothes
A sporan, a tie and one sock
16 They lifted the two with a crane
Their bodies side by side neatly lain
On the end of the pier
Where it was quite clear
That Ness was attached to a chain
17 How it got attached is anyone’s guess
All rusted and caught in her dress
But it spelt her fate
Because of the weight
She dragged through the loch of Loch Ness
18 The man from Totnes and the monster called Ness
May one day be carved in marble no less
Her tartans will change
Each day from the range
In wardrobes that came from Totnes
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Courtney Ann
1
There was a young lady called Courtney Ann
Who said to her parents I have a plan
I’m off to the moon
One day very soon
Please make me a kite as soon as you can
2
I’ll head towards Venus or maybe to Mars
And bring back some diamonds in old coffee jars
I’ll go there direct
And soon I’ll collect
Great handfuls of beautiful stars
Well, what do you expect from an amateur cosmologist's grand-daughter?
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There was a young fellow of Lucan
Who studied the life of the toucan
Which wouldn’t survive
If one were alive
But found that certainly two can
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The Motions
There was a young man with a notion
He’d like to swim out in the ocean
He felt insecure
as he rounded the sewer
But at least he’d gone through the motions
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The Vicar
There is a young vicar who teaches
Himself, his sermons and speeches
Repeatedly reading
With virtue succeeding
By practising all that he preaches
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New Zealand Gecho
A hunter I'm told chased a gecko
To almost as far as Te Teko
But that lucky lizard
Escaped in a blizzard
And all that was heard was his echo
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The Hauraki Plains has had its share of flooding and boggy conditions.
There was an old farmer called Rudd
Who fell in a big bog of mud
He swore at the sow
And the old freisian cow
Who stood there, just chewing her cud.
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A policeman was eating his luncheon
And ordered a drink from the puncheon
He'd paid for his grog
Was attacked by a dog
So gave it his truncheon to munch on
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A bulldozer driver named Bert
Scraped acres and acres of dirt
Made hills into plains
And blocked up the drains
And said, 'now it's time for desert'.
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There was an old miller called Walt
Who spilt many gallons of malt
All over the flour
That caked by the hour
And caused him to grind to a halt
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Matt gets floored
A young carpet salesman called Matt
Lived high in a well furnished flat
He ordered much more
For each customer's floor
And his boss hauled him over the mat
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There was a young lady called Chris
An active and happy young miss
She met a nice bloke
And just for a joke
'twas Chris who stole the first kiss
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There was a young fellow called Rowan
Who looked at the grass he was mowin'
He said it's a pain
As when we have rain
It just keeps growin' and growin'.
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The Final Curtain call
A writer and actor called Grey
Went off to the beach for the day
He wrote with his stick in the sand
A flourish of words, oh so grand
- And then all the kids ran away
Alone with his sorrow and age
He thought of his years on the stage.
But the only applause
Were the waves on the shore
Exit Grey and his very last page
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For Whom the Bell Tolls
A seismic surveyor named Bell
Did ardently do his job well
So he ran to a spot
Where the earth shook a lot
And dropped out of view into Hell
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Clive
A chauffeur I know of called Clive
Was keen and really did strive
It took him a year
To learn how to steer
He simply had not got the drive
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Dolls house
A dolls house condemned by some stores
Was faulty and this was the cause
Tho' the painting was bright
And the walls were all right
It seems that it had tiny flaws
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The Bored Lady
There was a young fellow called Ford
Who rowed his wife round on a board
When sailing one day
She ventured to say
My dear I'm quite overawed
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Gertrude
A Scottish girl name of Gertrude
Was many years chased and un-wooed
Her parents took heed
When doctors agreed
And said that it was Lass-itude
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Howett
There was a young farmer called Howett
Who said, by the stars I avow it
That garden's all weeds
And covered in seeds
I'll up in the morning and plough it
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Written in c1983 for a competition where the 1st line was given.
Roy Jenkins
On the subject of Roy Jenkin's hips
Though threatening to drift from the grips
Of the girdle he put
On himself under Foot
May take us towards vice-Roy ships
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Apollo-Jet
A spaceman who acted athletic
Jumped 'round on the moon energetic
They viewed his depravity
From Houston with gravity
For not being at all appolo-getic
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Doctor in Vein
A doctor I know at Greenlane
Saves patients a great deal of pain
With needle and dope
And good cheer and hope
His treatment is often in vein
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I planted a seedling hinau
That's grown to a beautiful tree now
We're very impressed
When in bloom it is dressed
So look and you'll see we have three now
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Not a limerick but, Oh well..
I new a mouse, a dour Scot
Whose Christian name he'd quite forgot
He went alone from house to house
Where he was called, Anony-mouse
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An astronaught lady called Janet
Went off to a far distant planet
When light years from earth
They say she gave birth
And NASA says no, that they didn't plan it
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There was a young student called Glynn
They say drank a bottle of gin
He then had some schnapps
One sleep and two naps
And his snores made a hell’uva din
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A hopping mad fellow called Bloggs
Discovered his dog had hidden his clogs
His wife said 'Now Bill'
'You take your heart-pill'
'Or you could just go to the dogs'
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There was a rude lady called Rose
Who once had a growth on her nose
Now when she was born
It was a sharp thorn
It's now on her tongue - and it grows!
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